Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
