I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
