Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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