I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
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Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
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I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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