Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
