Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
