Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
