So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
