the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
