The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
