Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
