I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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