my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
