i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
