I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
