Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
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Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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