I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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