Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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