Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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