the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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