I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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