Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
