2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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