I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
