Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I think people are normalizing furries
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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