Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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