I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I intend to get homeless drunk
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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