I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
