wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
