I just threw up on my dentist
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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