I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
