All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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