i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
