I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
