i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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