it hurts more in the daytime
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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