Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
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And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
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Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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