Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
4 words: hood of his car
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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