Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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