Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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