just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
