They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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