I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
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He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
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Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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