Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
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She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
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She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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