just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
