you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You took a bar mat shot.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i think i just lost a toe
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
