I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
