I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
How does it feel to date your dad?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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