I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Randomize
