just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
