tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
