its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
