Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
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Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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