So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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