Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
