do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
