dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I would fuck him just for his dog
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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